NEWS NEWS NEWS!!!!!

I'd probably've sued him, too

This shit'll make you go nuts!

Something like this happened to me, but with a hooker and a tuna sandwich

People's Court

What's so hard about being this guy?

greetings, salutations, part 1.5

see?

see!?

SEE, WHAT DID I TELL YOU!?

thine story shall waitforth onto thee nexteth weeks time ...

cause i'm like, busy ...

but i shant leave you empty handed

pretty things to look at ... fellow blogger brand blogger marc fornes has a really cool site "theverymany" ...

king kong, godzilla, jaws ... pussies! when compared to FROG-G-G!

hey, there i am ... pointin' out the ol' floor tom ... yeeeup, the ol' floor tom ...

oh yeah, note the 420 montana highway sign (HI-WAY!? GET IT!?) and yes, those are all crown royal bags sewn together ... the entire stage was lined with them, easily about 800 bags ... pretty nice ...

greetings, salutations, part 1

hey there!

well, i know i've been on hiatus, but i'm back baby, back and better then ever ... well, actually, no i can't really back that up with any definitive evidence, but i did just spend 2 weeks on the west coast and have some really stupid stories to share ... though as anyone who reads this blog regularly can tell you, im real bad at actually keeping up with actual "journal-style" bloggings (exhibit A, exhibit B)... but hey, you paid for it, so here 'tis ... we got to meet some really cool people, played with some really great bands, and the hospitality showed us by folks along the way was extraordinary ... of course, for reasons of national security, i can only divulge all but the juciest stories ... if you really wanna hear the ridiculous stuff ... well, it's way easier then you might think! simply compose an essay (no more than 6 pages, no less then 4) explaining why YOU should be the recipient of this blessed knowledge, mail it to me along with a self-addressed stamped envelope, i will then submit it to the our panel of guest-judges (including, but not limited to an un-dead telly savalas) and we'll get back to you with a decision before the next "blue moon" appears

...

...

or you can jus get me drunk ...

the drastics 2007 west coast tour recap

• 06.30.07, friday :: our first gig was on july 1st in austin, TX ... since we're all good midwest/blue-collar boys everyone went to work today and we left at midnight for the 18 hours to austin ... pretty uneventful drive ... we rolled out with 6 of in the van as bijan skipped the first gig and flew straight to LA on tuesday which was our second gig (so, yeah, we had sunday and monday off) ... oh, we also got a trailer for this tour so rollin in the van was easy, especially with "only" 6 guys ... everyone gets a bench except the 2 people up driving/navigating ... peeimp!
  
• 07.01.07, saturday :: alright, so before we even played in beautiful austin, things got weird ... we arrived later then we had expected, probably cause we are incapable of stopping for less then 15 minutes at any rest stop (a trend that continued until the end of tour)... but it was all good as the club/scene was super chill ... we played at a spot called the flamingo cantina which seemed to be the reggae venue of the city ... so we're loading out in the alley behind the club when i catch noise of some kinda disturbance comin our direction ... i turn around to see a young-to-middle aged white-trash couple walking down the alley with a short surly mexican man walking behind them yelling and brandishing a belt that he has risen over his head in an attack stance ... now, the white-trash couple look kinda laced or something, i couldn't tell exactly what they hopped up on but it certainly wasn't their first time ... so this couple is walking kinda fast and away from the mexican (keep in mind, the white-trash-guy was a good foot taller and 50lbs heavier then the mexican , but he looked really scared) ... i was so confused that this is where it starts to get hazy, but i'm pretty sure the couple start walking away from each other, the girl walking faster so the mexican guy gets right up behind the white-trash-guy and straight just hits him in classic "upside the head fashion" with his belt ... to which white-trash-guy yells out in what (at least sounded like) sincere pain ... the whole time i couldnt figure out why he didn't just turn around and smack the shit out of the guy, but, like i said, he was messed up ... so now the white-trash-guy starts walking back out of the alley and the mexican decides to leave him alone and go after the girl who is smaller then him ... i think by this point i was yellin at the dude to go away, but no one was paying attention ... this guy was on a mission ... what that mission was i have no idea ... so as the girl gets right up to where i was i could tell she was seriously distressed and mighta been crying recently, and she whimpers something like "can you help me" as she walks by me, but the mexican is right there now too and he manages to get a swipe at her side with his belt (not hard, but still) at which point i kinda loose it and start screaming at the dude and acting like i'm a hardass... some of the other guys finally started payin attention (everyone was unloading gear still) and so we all kinda get in a line to prevent this guy from following this girl and he starts kinda yellin back at us ... it was in english but totally unintelligible, the only line i caught was him sayin "i'm jus tryin to be a good mexican" at which point yell back "fuck you man, no good person hits a woman you fucking asshole" ... thats when he finally got his bearings or something (he seemed fucked up also) looks at us and goes "oh, 5 of you huh?", takes his belt, puts it back on and walks away ... welcome to austin! the show ended up bein a lot of fun, played with contracoup and grimy styles and the house was well packed ... even sold a hoodie! in austin! (the guy was really drunk) ... oh, we also got to see a 70ish year old man in a diaper, full beard and bathrobe hang out in a kiddie pool on the corner of the street we played on ... hazah! ... oh right, so then we left right after the gig to get to tucson arizona to stay with brian's (guitar) uncle for the time we had before LA ... i think i took the first shift, goin from 2am or so till about 8 ... aw yeahs!
  
• 07.02.07, sunday :: I DRIVE ALL NITE ... JUST TO GET BACK HOME! ... or, more accurately, to get to uncle tim's place in tucson! i think it shoulda took about 14 hours, but it was closer to 16 ... but when we got there uncle tim had the spread out, fed us good (plus dessert!) and then gave half the guys muscle/bone/hand/whatever rub-downs as he's some kinda chiropractor ... i ended up jumpin on a 10pm greyhound and headin to LA early, leavin those guys to bask in the arizona heat ... and now begins an epic tale of which i almost managed to exorcise from my mind ... alllllllright ... so i had bought my ticket for the bus at 6pm that evening upon first arriving to tuscon to assure my seat, and arrived early (9:30) to avoid any extraneous circumstances that might hold me up ... so when i get there (the place is so cold i have to put on my hoodie) theres a line of luggage at one of the doors, "ha, suckers ..." i think to myself "i already have my ticket" ... so 10 o clock comes and goes, 10:15, finally the bus shows up and everyone sprints (i mean SPRINTS) to their luggage and the door ... i casually walk up and get in line, people go through the door right up to about my space in line when the door is closed and the ticketing guy disappears ... ok, so something ain't right ... i open the door and poke my head out into the dry-scorching heat and say, hey, i gotta ticket for the 10pm to LA ... ticketing guy jus says "bus is full up, no more seats" and walks away ... "whoa, wait! what am i suppose to do!?" i yell, "talk to the counter" he says ... ay ... so i walk back in, there's a mother/daughter duo that's clearly in the same predicament as me and the mother is PISSED ... so as i walk up to the counter, i swear to god i somehow entered some weird television-reality vortex as i was whisked to the fucking scene in the first episode of chappelle show ... "popcopy" ... so it went like this (insert your own lethargic/cynical/fake-jaded mexican-american female accent here)

  me: hey, so the guy told me i couldn't get on the bus even though i have a ticket
  bitch 1: oh, he musta ran outta seats
  me: ok, so what do i do now ?
  bitch 1: well, there's another bus comin soon, it was suppose to be here 30 minutes ago
  me: when will it get here
  bitch 1: it just left (some city i clearly don't know)
  me: well, when will it get here
  bitch 1: i don't know sir
  me: well, can you find out
  bitch 1: the manager has the radio
  me: ya know, i gotta say, i don't understand why you sell tickets to buses you can't get on
  bitch 1: sir, the ticket does not guarantee a seat

  
  ***freeze: ok, seriously, what kinda fucked up society do we live in where you can BUY A TICKET to something that doesn't guarantee entrance to the THING YOU JUST BOUGHT IT FOR!!?!?!
  
  ok, so at this point i give up on this bitch cause she clearly doesn't care and doesn't want to help me ... a visual description cause it helps ... short, wearin a gold necklace with her name in cursive on it, snappin gum and with a $80 nail do ... damn chica ...
  
  so i go sit down for a while waiting for someone, anyone else to go behind the counter cause maybe they will be more helpful (not that it would take that much) ... so after about 10 min some other older-ish lady walks up and the two of them start gossiping on something so i walk up and completely ignore bitch 1, and try, instead on bitch 2
  
  

  me: hey, can you tell me when the next bus to LA is gonna be here
  bitch 2: oh, we'd have to check the radio and it's outside
  me: ok, seriously, can you just go find out for me
  bitch 2: (sighs) yeah, sure

  
  at which point the 2 of them chit-chat for another 30 seconds while i stand there making sure they will actually do what i asked before disappearing into the back ... i stay up there hoping they will come back soon, which of course was a futile wish ... as i sat back down for a good 5-10 minutes before they showed back up ...
  
  

  bitch 1: sir, the bus will be here at 11pm
  me: fine, what time does that put me in LA (i was originally getting in at 11)
  bitch 1: 9am, you will not transfer in phoenix
  me: yeah, but i have 2 tickets, one to phoenix, and one to LA from phoenix, is that gonna be ok
  bitch 1: (sighs) yes, sir

  
  so now im stuck in a bus terminal in tucson, jus sittin n waitin n hopin that my bus will actually show up ... after about 20 min i get paranoid and even though the terminal is practically empty, i need to make sure im on the next bus out to LA, so i want to make sure i know what door to go to ... i walk back up (drudgingly) to the counter to ask which door ...
  

  
  me: hey, what ...
  bitch 1 & 2 (in unison): ELEVEN OCLOCK!
  me: wow, look, i'm not tryin to be a pest, i jus wanna know what door
  bitch 2 (looking somewhat sheepish): oh, door 1 sir

  
  yeah, and fuck to you too bitch ... jeesus ...

oh, but the fun was just starting ... to be continued tomorrow ...

here's some findins' ...

lolcat bible ... in teh beginning ...

this is a well designed ad but who wants to eat ice cream in the snow ... on skis ... in a russian winter ?

????

Isn't that the Stoner who took my last Krispy Kreme?

No, it's Bill and Hillary Clinton. And I admit it, I'd probably would've boned her if I was alive back when that picture was taken. (I would've just posted the picture, but I slept through most of my "Intro to the Web" course in undergrad and all I know how to do is post links.)

Stop! Blogger Time!

Bloggin' hits me, so hard, makes me say, "Oh My Lord"

Hmmmm . . . . you'd think this post was about MC Hammer. Perhaps at a later date.

Soon to be a BET show.

And apparently LBJ had a pretty sweet house. There's gotta be better news out there . . . it's not like he lived in a shanty. That'd be news. Kucinich used to be homeless. Like Jewel. Now I'm stalling, gotta go back to studying.

Absurd CNN factoid of the day: At the top of the screen/window/whatever (am I that old? am I going to start calling it Intendo?!?) there's a line of hyper text. "Hot Topics: Earthquakes - Roman Catholicisim - Iraq - Weather - Lindsay Lohan - More Topics". At least more people are concerned about whether it's going to rain than about Lindsay Lohan getting out of rehab.

Just to Prove America Still Got It's Share of Assholes

Don't these people have jobs?

Disabled?

I'm going with differently abled cause there's no way in hell I could do that.

Oh, here's an interesting blog that has some quotes from the Family Secrets lawyer. That's the Chicago mob trial that's going on. Did I mention I have a class down the hall from the trial?

Crazy Ass Week

Sorry if I haven't been posting for awhile. I missed you all. Here's what my past week looked like: 3rd of July party, 4th of July Party, Bachelor Party, Birthday Party, 2 Weddings (on the same day), and then Sunday I slept for about 16 hours in the heat and wished I was dead. Good times.

So it's been 6 months into the surge in Iraq and a report is coming out on the progress. It's not looking good. A Pentagon spokesman admits the report will show that not many -- if any -- of the benchmarks for progress have been met.

"It will be a snapshot at the front end of the surge," said Pentagon spokesman Bryan Whitman on Monday, "and I don't think anyone expects all the benchmarks to be met at the front end."

And in case you forgot, this.

What's the Quickest Way for Me to Post a Link About You?

Beat a rabid animal to death with your bare hands! (This is the second link of similar make that I've posted)

Happy Independence Day

And join me as we storm the British embassy! Hurrah!

(Sorry, no links, going out to a party)

Hey everybody!

Hey comedy fans! Did you love The State? Did you love Wet Hot American Summer? Then you're gonna love The Ten.

Hey gamers! Sometimes you need to turn off the World of Warcraft or your parents are gonna kick your ass.

Hey America! Do you wonder what your government is doing? Go find out