an open letter to william parker

in response to

Dear William,

Well, I do hope I am not being presumptuous by calling you by your first name! Mayhaps Mr. Parker Jr., or Mr. C.E.O. would be more appropriate! Oh, I kid with you Bill, but I am glad you did decide to get a hold of me! I have been thinking about partnering our fair publication "The Bluntest" with another periodical of the "electronic" variety. You see, for it is my dream to one day be held up as a magnate, a Blog-Baron of sorts within the confines of our fair republic. I did take a trice or two and perused your fine addition to the Blogdom, and I must say! Your excellent coverage of scholarships is something i can certainly sink my teeth into (especially that burger king one! hahaLOLWTFROFLBBQFBICIAVHSBETAJAHHHHHRASTAFLOURIDEINIWANCLEANTEETHFEHGWONALIKKLEBURGAKINGCROWNONDEMHEADS!!!!!!!!) It's actually quite a bit of amusement as I have been looking for an electronic pamphlet that covers discovering job information, news, travel recommendations, the latest workplace fashions, transportation reports, cutting-edge technology trends, dating, health and personal finance tips! I was so sick of having to go to 9 different blogs to get that information. So, indeed, a hearty "HUZZAH!" is extended to you Willy for saving me so much time! Please allow me to cite how helpful your digital compendium has been to me. For example, I learned from reading your informative lexicon that "The belt's buckle has to be silver or gold.", "Of course you’ll need a fabulous new bag to go with all this gorgeous outerwear.", and "Even with a casual dress code, avoid short skirts, low-cut necklines, too-high heels, too-tight clothes, and anything bordering too sexy." Thanks to you, joboja.blogspot.com, I'm going right home to throw away all my non-gold and non-silver belt buckles, picking out a fabuuuulooooous new bag, and getting rid of all my too-tight-bordering-on-too-sexy clothes! Phew! My face would have been as rouge as the Star of Phoebus if I had showed up to the office wearing any of THAT!

On a side note, I am a huge fan of your work with Cecil Taylor and David S. Ware. I haven't yet been able to pick up a copy of your book "who owns music?" but it sounds intriguing. However, I must implore you to stop this masquerading as a Blog CEO and get back to what you do best, free-jazz double bass playing!

Sincerely,
Driznastic
CEO, Editor-In-Chief, Arts-Correspondent, Music-Correspondent, Donkey Handler, Well-Wisher, Free Cupcakes, Complimentary Samples of Margarine, Cartons of Lik-M-Aids, Hotwheels Collections, Mint-Condition Death Masks of Italian Royalty, Tar-Windshield-Wipers, Poutine, Simulcasts of Ethiopian Rugby, Giraffes on the Moon, Vegetarian Bacon, Life-size replicas of St. John's Basilica, Ballpits, Laugh-Outs, Indian Masala Tea made with Gatorade, Christmas in July, Chuckfacing, Jimmychucking, Horseliptieing, Hooptywrecking, Crowheading, Hate-crimes against Atlantians, Cattle rustling, Chocolate-covered mosque mold-design, Pogo-stickin', Giant-Bird-Face-Replica-Restraints, et al.
The Bluntest
driznastic@yourmom.com
(773) i aint givin you my damn phone number