But like, for real, this shit was life like down to the freckles and also 18ft long. But this wasn't some Wonder Years shit, no ... it was deeper then that ... this was being channeled from some other dimension ... a dimension run by the evil child-queen-tyrant Patty, the sad-eyed orphan! So I put on my bright red overalls and jumped down the toilet pipe. There I experienced a life changing journey of self realization with Joshua David Saviano as my spirit guide. He kept handing me various items wrapped in pieces of paper with real corny jokes on em... like he gives me this alarm clock with a piece of newspaper around it that reads "Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? Because they kept saying Bach, Bach, Bach", then a stalk of celery with some note paper (college ruled ) that says "What is the best way to carve wood? Whittle by Whittle", etc etc ... after about 6 hours of floating and being handed jokes I was like "Look! What am I?? A fucking Bazooka Joe joke tester!?!?" All of a sudden everything went black and it felt like when you got through one of those long water slides at Chimpy's Water Slide Fuck-a-Roo Beach Party Bonanza... When I came out the other end I had a sweet trapper keeper in one hand and a scrap of paper in the other that said "Do You Like Me?" with a "Yes" and "No" box ... signed by Winnie Fucking Cooper.
Mar 24, 2009
So I'm upstairs at the vanity last night brushing my hair (100 times on each side) before I get tucked in for the night when this ghost crash lands through the mirror and hits the sink next to mine. He was pretty high but lucid enough to mumble something about "... ancient hidden golden treasure" before he died, tragically, in my arms. After I buried him in the bench to the Hammond Organ, I got to thinking about what that ghost said... but more specifically what he didn't say and even MORE specifically what he transmitted to my brain via Ghostal Clairvoyance (tm). After a half bottle of grain alcohol it came to me.... I remembered earlier that evening while walking through a graveyard I noticed an inappropriately large number of shovels hanging around. Like some asshole had just gone down to the Crafty Beaver and picked up a palette of shovels and just threw them willy-nilly all over the fucking grounds. Acting on a hunch, I surmised my next course of action should be to dig, as I assumed the shovels to be an omen sent by the ghost to me before he died ... Just dig and all shall be revealed. So I went down to REI and picked up a whole bunch of rock-climbing gear (and a couple of raspberry energy bars) and I took the BUS, OK!?!? When I got back home I pulled up the carpet downstairs and started working on the concrete floor. I don't know what took over me but it was like the ghost of that ghost had possessed my arm-hands and next thing I knew it was 3 weeks later and I was standing on a relief of Danica McKellar's head.