return of ...

i would like to extend a very special "welcome-back" to our founder and brother-in-blogging, bogardus ... yes, after a much needed hiatus/sabbatical, a bout with scrivener's palsy, a touch of saint vitus' dance, an ongoing hectical complaint, a bout with the grocer's itch, a panic with some summer's complaint, a permanent case of spina bifida, an ongoing battle with hydrocephalus, and finally, a unfortunate series of apoplexies ... the fine quacks doctors here at st. bluntest resurrection hospital have seen it fit to release and re-institute this fine vessel of human suffering ... god speed, young bogardus!

and for more pioneer diseases read this

and here's the whole clan!

lookin' ball show : volume 1

how i usually end my dates

pedo the bear ... he has sex with school girls, i guess ...

they aint lying

my future wife ... if im lucky!

nice work soldier, today, we feast like kings

i've said it before, and i'll say it again ... there's so many things about this picture i don't understand

petanque postcard ? i think its like a french version of bocci ... theres a bunch of really good ones in there, but click "next" to see one of the sweetest ones of all!

bad movie physics ... i only read a portion of this at time of posting, but i like the idea ... kinda like mythbusters, but for nerds ... wait ...

I'm back, bitches!

Why I'm Awesome

So I'm sitting in my apartment last week one afternoon and my neighbor from downstairs pops up asking if I looked outside my window recently. Saying no, we then went to my window that overlooks my neighbor's backyard. Lo and behold, to my surprise, there were about 5 people having a photoshoot nextdoor. What was even more exciting, it was a Playboy shoot. And apparently this was not the first time Playboy has had a photoshoot there.

And then yesterday I find out that I might have to move cause my building is being sold. How cruel.

broads ...

yeah, i know thats a loaded word, most folks will only think of it in a negative connotation ... but i've met alot of broads i've really liked ... theyre usually drunk, smoking a cigarette and talkin as much shit as the rest of us ... thats what makes em broads ... i dunno why its considered such a diss ... even real classy dames can be broads sometimes, its the equivalent of callin a guy a dickhead, or prick but with just a touch of class ... you dont hear many girls gettin called "dickhead", or if you do, yer hangin wit some people i'd like to meet ...

anyway, so the drastics played in madison last nite ... good times, except for me havin to strongarm for more money at the end of the nite ... seriously people, literally ANYONE reading this post right now ... YOU, yes YOU can be an awesome promoter/booker for a club ... here's what you do, its seriously takes 3 simple steps ...

1. if you promise a band a certain deal, don't back out on it, or misinform yer staff to the arrangement previously made
   
2. only book bands that COMPLIMENT EACH OTHER on one nite, so no bluegrass/metal shows, and no reggae/whiny-prog-emo-rock shows either
   
3. make sure the band is comfortable

see? isn't that easy ? fer trill people, thats ALL IT TAKES ... and yet so many fail so miserably at this task ...

anyway, our guitarist and trumpet player split out the club wit a couple of madison broads, im pretty sure these are them ... nice work fellas!

wonder broad

serious (future-president) broads

boring-ass broads

brawlin' broads

and here's some info on the bizarre mcdonalds universe of characters ... for instance, did you know that grimace, when first introduced, was "evil grimace" and had 4 arms with which to steal milkshakes ? well, now you do ...

Fucked up News

"Newton, 37, was pronounced dead at 11:53 a.m. at the Southern Ohio Correctional Facility; his execution had been set to begin at 10.

He weighed 265 at his physical on Wednesday. The head of the Public Defender's death penalty division, Joe Wilhelm, said Newton told him it was hard for blood to be taken from his veins because of his weight.

The public defender's office said the decision was made not to intervene when the execution was delayed.

"You have to remember that Newton wanted to die. Our job isn't to oppose the death penalty, it's to represent our clients," said Greg Meyer, chief counsel for the Ohio Public Defender's Office."

jeez, some more ...

we all know the infamous web church sign generator but i didn't know they had galleries of real signage ... favorites include

hulk jesus
jesus loves watching you watch porn
this link came from one of the signs, church sponsored sex help!
just say all these with a southern accent
can't i just pay the 50 bux?
SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY!
haters
a message for the ladies...
just to make sure you dont' think theyre all cute and warm and fuzzy ...
i seriously had to stop when i saw that one ... awful, shameful, disgraceful ...

anyway ...

since i started with double entendres today, i guess ill finish wit one also ...

yarrrrr ... pinch!

... and clorox for the bone smells

once again ... a link about zombies ... this is sofie's territory, not mine ... and apparently ... i'd be a liability in a zombie attack with only a 42% chance of survival ... probably from me answering all the questions about family/friends with "i'd go help them" ... im such a sucker ...

here's yet another terrible movie based on a spooky hp lovecraft book ... "Cthulhu" ... starring the illustrious tori spelling! ...
cthulhu info ... and ...
cthulhu for president official webpage!

GREAT BRITAIN! ... graphically portrayed ...

yo! ... thems my brodogs, bra ...

chinese engrish

... and they loved every minute of it ...

RUMBLE IN THE JUNGLE!

in this corner ... wearing the thick brown hide and horns ... weighing in at 1535 pounds ... THE SLAMMA FROM THE SAVANNAH! ... THE AFRICAN BUFFALO!!!

... and in this corner ... the challenger ... wearing the tan fur and claws ... weighing in at 375 pounds ... THE QUEEN OF THE JUNGLE ... THE SCOURGE OF THE AFRICAN CONTINENT! ... THE LIONESS!!!

but! wait!

what do we have here ... !? OH NO! ... WE HAVE AN USURPER IN THE RING!

it looks like ... IT IS!!! after only 3 years of retirement ... its the triumphant return of the AFRICAN CROCODILE!! ... this is certainly gonna throw a wrench into tonights match!

lioness vs african buffalo vs african crocodile

they opposed democracy and ate brains!

in case you find yourself attacked by zombies ... during the 1950s ... THE COMMUNIST PRODUCT OF TAMPERING WITH FORBIDDEN SCIENCE !!!!

and, i gave these to my girl last valentines ... didn't go over to well ...

ras ross & jah lando

elliot of the drastics/kibosh fame had a rough morning ... read all about it here

also, the drastics did a podcase check it out here ... 2 new tracks live in the studio and a whole lot of me talkin bout stuff ...

also

so, yer the fat guy in the x-wing squadron at rebel-flight-training school, yer also one of the first guys to be fallen by the death stars laser ... as if thats not bad enough ... yer not-nickname name is actually "porkins" ... shame on you george lucas ... thankfully someone at i-mockery gave mr. porkins some love

and, also

lando ... already the judas of the star wars universe, now being reigned up on cock-blocking charges ...



aw, but look, they made up!

You Just Can't Make This Up

It's ok because it's an historical cultural term . . . dood ought to start popping some pills again. I know a Brazilian guy who could hook him up real sweet . . . . And the BBC says: "Mr Obama was last week given secret service protection after threats appeared on white supremacist websites." How come we couldn't get that from US news? All we got was a "They won't say why he has secret service protection other than he was threatened."

all hail terry jones, new prime minister of england

Up Your Butt, FDA!

Little, Latin, Different . . . or Pontiff Popping Papal Pills

lookin out ya mondrian hotel window like elvis presley comin down the elevator

just cant get enough of dr. dooom!

invisible donkey removal

get yer copy of ... the brayer

search by height, or talent! ... and once again, this link brought to you by the elusive actor, why he didnt post this kinda thing when he was actually on the blog is anyones guess ....

SUPER CHAMPLE! and edison vs the martians

BEAUTY GIRLS DANCE BATTLE!

link courtesy the always illustrious, however lazy, actor ...
WHY DIDNT YOU JUST PUT THIS UP HERE BEFORE !?

anyway

personal favorites are "crazy girl" team, the school girl/mama from "mama's family" as a clown/stoner team and cheeky clownz!

honorable mentions ... team honey waxx (i don't know that i'd like to be honey waxxed) and TEAMKEN! whose team consists of one guy ... presumably named ken ...

nice hustle out their ladies!

oh and a GIS for beauty girl dance competition linked me with this ... obviously

The Martian, Terrible to Behold! (from Edison's Conquest of Mars, c 1898)


no really, its a heart warmer of a tale ... as heart warming as america's fixation with "manifest destiny" at the turn of century was ... and yes thats the edison ... "genius of science" (pretty broad title) who discovered the way to defeat the martians!

but the text is full of very strange lines, that even when placed in a historical context (ie, examining american foreign relation circa 1898) seem strange ...

when edison invents whatever it is he invents to defeat the martians ...

"... a confidence had manifested itself in France, to a minor extent in England, and particularly in Russia, that the Americans might discover means to meet and master the invaders."

later while deciding what to do ...

"Let the Martians come," was the cry. "If necessary, we can quit the earth as the Athenians fled from Athens before the advancing host of Xerxes, and like them, take refuge upon our ships—these new ships of space, with which American inventiveness has furnished us."

... but ... THIS IS ... SPARTA!!!!

"Hurrah!" cried one of the onlookers. "We have met the Martians and they are ours."

seriously, no one says "hurrah", not even back in the day

ok, so now they have a weapon, they tested it on a ... crow ... obviously ... and first disintegrated its feathers, and then the actual bird, ahhhhh ... science! but of course edison doesnt just come up with a weapon, he has plans, big plans for a big spaceship to go to mars! see, bush musta read this book as a youngin on the ranch in texas in his mansion in new england, because what do the plucky americans decide to do ? TAKE THE WAR TO THE MARTIANS!

Negotiations were at once begun. The United States naturally took the lead, and their leadership was never for a moment questioned abroad.

not even from those whiny french bastards!

so the story is pretty good, i was thinkin about writing commentary for at least most of it, but theres way too much to make fun of ... the kaiser of germany gets jealous that the americans are leading the talks, edison has a disintegrater gun on the floor of the senate chambers where the queen of england, emperor of china and president of the US are, the US contributes "a thousand million" dollars to the project, etc ... theres also an awful lot of paragraphs that start with something to the affect of "It is not necessary for me to describe the manner in which Mr. Edison performed his tremendous task." ... i think this was a device used alot back in the day to not bore the audience, but it when it happens every 3 paragraphs it seems weird ...

anyway .... if you got time, its kinda a funny read ... specially if yer into turn of the century literature ... totally stupid and nationalistic ... USA! USA! USA!

comix issue!

the madmen: i have no idea what this is all about, but 1. its pretty insane and 2. the kids commentary is pretty good ...

nes comix

i love chris ware

smart comics, stupid movies, next on donahue

To the Tik-Tok, You Don't Stop!

The Namesake of my computer

Issac Asimov, you're dead to me

If you're really bored like me (I fixed the link, sorry)

day of reckoning

spring cleaning ...

never like havin to do it ...

Where I want to go this Summer

Pretty pictures

quite possibly the saddest website ever

don't ask how i got there

THE DRASTICS @ PIECE TONITE... FREE!

piece
1927 w north ave

10pm-1:30pm

THE DRASTICS + dj antron9k

NO COVER ... THAT MEANS FREE

tom riley : tenor sax, flute, dubs, hot cakes, fruit preserving, jokes about the epidermis

andrew zelm : trombone, melodica, gorilla impressions, yawns, origami frogs

gerald bailey : trumpet, harlequinning, yo mama jokes, bold strokes

elliot ross : guitar, ear wax sculptures, smart-ass mouth, courtney love fan club info

brian citro : guitar, "happy endings", crane-style technique, hit-n-runs

otto roeser : organ, clavinet, matchbox car collection, mario bros. 2 consulting, astro-physics

chris merrill : bass, happy-go-lucky whistling, whittling, moonshinin'

anthony abbinanti : drums, dj, sucker punches, hobo-style skillets, rasslin'

fada dougou : vocals, breve coffee, dreadlock wigs, welding

COME ONE COME ALL!

**** FREE MOSQUITO NETS FOR THE FIRST 5 COUPLES (AFRICAN-GRADE-NETTING) BYOMN!!!!
****** ENTER OUR RAFFLE TO WIN A GERMAN FRENCH TOASTER!

*** FREE PISTOL WHIPS FOR ALL CHILDREN UNDER 8!

FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY!!!!!!!

reason #60428

that i hate myspace

I Wish I Was There and Hate Crimes

An news article has never captured an awkward moment so well.

Here's an interesting thought to roll around in your heads for awhile: What if a major reason Iran is not really listening to the US is because we have a female Secretary of State? Is the Western idea of equality amongst the sexes worth a possible war? I'll let you guys think about it and discuss it amongst yourselves.

ADDENDUM TO DRIZNASTICS HATE CRIME ARTICLE

Just gotta get this one out there in response to the claims that hate crime statutes offer inequal protection under the law. If the federal hate crime statute that is now going through the process of becoming law is anything like the Illinois hate crime statute, then it requires that the motivation of the crime be the actual or perceived class of the victim. That's what defines a hate crime. Does it place the protection of homosexuals above heterosexuals or blacks above whites or Jews above Christians or women above men? No. Being a white, Christian, heterosexual male, I could be the victim of a hate crime. Allow me to illustrate with a hypothetical: Say I was walking down Halsted and I get beat up by a rough looking crowd of men in leather riding motorcycles and the Leader of the Pack yells, "Let's get that Hetero!" before the attack. That would be a hate crime.

Motive is an important idea in law; law is not only about actions and the results. Say Person A shoots Person B. Based just on these facts, the person could be tried for a number of crimes or none at all. If Person A was waiting in the bushes outside of Person B's house because Person B really hated Person A and had planned on killing Person B, then B would probably be charged with murder. However, if Person A was running at Person B with a butcher knife, then this could be easily seen as self-defense.

The law also differentiates between certain classes of people, which is just the opposite of what some critics of the hate crime bill claim. The same action may be tried for different crimes depending on the victim. Say I punched Driznastic. That'd be battery. Now say I punched a cop. That battery would be escalated to aggravated battery. There's a big ol' list of different classes of people who get special protection under the law (old people, the disabled, etc.).

All in all, these lawmakers who claim this really ought to read some laws sometime.

postin like the pimpernel

except my links dont all come from cnn.com

the skinny on obama's myspace driz-ama ... bam!

hes in the drastics top 16 at the moment ...

i can't wait for the neocon blogs to start attacking her (now) for meeting with syria ... oh wait, hypocrites don't have do things like that ... sorry nancy

i might be stealing this joke from wonkette, but, with as intolerant as this country is ... why do the islamo-commie-nazi-facists hate us so much ?

and since the pimpernel loves the 'stache so much ... i call dibs though ...

Homies TV

Scroll down for videos

This dood's gonna lose his job over pants

bush no longer "the decider"!

he's, ya know ... the commander guy

“The question is, ‘Who ought to make that decision, the Congress or the commanders?,’’ Mr. Bush said. “As you know, my position is clear – I’m the commander guy.”

Bush: “I’m the Commander Guy” : NYT

sandwich eats woman

drastics guitarist elliot hipped me to this, and me and the pimpernel were just talkin about it ...

zappa's baby snakes

dont take acid before viewing

A Quickie to Keep Things Fresh

Pour some on the curb for George

"How come mommy looks like a coke whore?" "Sorry, my bad!"

Busty. Metallic. Mustache. Communists.

Mustache

Heard it in a love song

Saw a play this weekend. Moon Over Buffalo. I recommend it. They mention me by name, the Scarlet Pimpernel!

Get back to work!