Today In Erotic News

"It's a jail escape that started with a grain truck and ended with Sheriff's deputies having to strip . . . . He wasn't going anywhere. He looked back a few times and continued his attempt at the doggie . . . . It became quickly apparent that Smith wasn't going to get very far. . . and began to bob up and down, struggling to keep his head . . . . The two deputies looked at each other and knew they had to try and help the man. 'We both undressed and jumped in.' They notice Smith was tiring, taking longer to come up for air . . . . Smith was taken to the hospital to be checked out. The deputies weren't injured, just cold and dripping wet."

Wiener Poopie

You gotta pick up your wiener poopie or they steal your Jesus

Wait, what?

"Chris Kennedy, the son of the late Robert F. Kennedy, is taking steps to run for Senate and could announce his candidacy as early as next week, a source close to the Kennedy family told CNN Wednesday. . . . If elected, Chris Kennedy would follow in the footsteps of his father, Robert, who represented New York in the Senate before being assassinated in 1968." Is CNN predicting Chris Kennedy is going to get assassinated?

First time for everything

Living in Humboldt Park for 2-3 years now, and for the first time I heard a man die

Reefer

Here, in what could be called the Fort Knox of dope, Mahmoud ElSohly waits patiently as an assistant unlocks the stainless steel door to a climate-controlled vault.

I love it when newspapers try to sound like two guys talking on the corner.

Terrible

"Look, abortion is not just like any other issue. It's not even like the death penalty. It is intrinsically evil. It would be impossible to find somebody who's a greater champion of abortion rights than Barack Obama. He doesn't belong on the campus getting an award," Donohue [president of the Catholic League]said.

Well thank God the Catholic League cleared that one up. And here I was thinking that whole Ten Commandments, "thou shalt not kill" bullshit was pretty cut and dry. That's right, killing people is not intrinsically evil. Seriously. And who is the asshole who said this bullshit? "It is surely more necessary than ever that the inalienable dignity of human life be universally respected and recognised for its immeasurable value. The Holy See has engaged itself in the pursuit of the abolition of capital punishment and an integral part of the defence of human life at every stage of its development and does so in defiance of any assertion of a culture of death." Apparently the Pope needs to start consulting the Catholic League before he starts spouting off on shit like the sanctity of life. Cause really, if the person is out of the womb, it's not that bad to juice a person up with so much electricity that their dick explodes. Hey Pope, quit being a pussy.

We Got Both Kinds, Country and Western

""I think the fact that Mitt Romney succeeded as much as he did and remains an important and central figure in our Republican Party -- and I wouldn't be surprised to see him run again -- is a testimony, I think, to the inclusiveness of the Republican Party," said McCain, R-Arizona." Yes, the Republican party is very inclusive in taking all wealthy, white, christian men.

NEWS! NEWS! NEWS!

CNN Headlines, unedited:

Yanks to hide Wang on disabled list?

Bag of poo sent home in kid's backpack (This is seriously the only time I was thinking of buying a t-shirt with a cnn headline on it)

Ha, the url says "poop". CNN called the shit poop! CNN, you are the cause of the decline in journalism. Stay classy Atlanta.

Phrozen Peas n Prophylactics!

or
Canned Carrots and Contraceptives!

What's last thing people want in a recession? More kids, apparently. According to data-tracking firm the Nielsen Company, dollar sales of products in the "family planning" category, which includes condoms and over-the-counter female contraceptives, are up 10.2% for the first two months of this year.... Cookie and ice cream cone sales have dropped 9.7%.

What Sells in a Recession: Canned Goods and Condoms [Time Magazine]

Vegas Baby

Obama told executives not to spend taxpayers' money on going to Vegas.

New York Times says "Las Vegas: Still a Good Bet" in their travel section because of it's low-cost.

Goldman Sachs cancelled their corporate trip to Vegas and moved it to San Francisco. The cancellation alone cost $600k. There's no details on whether the move saved any money at all or ended up costing more money. My bet is on the latter.

Why Build a Fence?

Scared the illegals are taking American jobs? Well, you shouldn't! Cause there aint no jobs for them to take!



Cannibals!

A Totally Original Post

Construction Sign Warns of Raptors
Hackers change public safety message

cause lube ain't cheap

Check out this hilariously awful article from NY Daily News. Almost every paragraph (and I use the word "paragraph" very loosely here) ends with "according to TMZ". I'm wondering if the "writer" didn't want the credit or just had a journalism prof that beat the use of citations into his headbrain.

In addition, I will apologize for my lack of posting ... I actually had a 2 week holiday from work and spent most of that time NOT looking at computers. Instead I did a bunch of art-projecty stuff like making crazy colored tshirts for the first Drastics show in 6 months. I wanna get photos up 'cause I made about 8 different color schemes on 4 different colored shirts. WILD! Then I ended up playing keys for Deals Gone Bad on New Years Eve but they asked me 2 days before the date so I had to cram-learn near 2 hours of music on an instrument I haven't touched in 6 months. Then I drank half a bottle of Makers Mark.

Also, MST3k fans should be familiar with "Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell" which as Crow groans at the top of the movie "ohhh no ... this must be a sequel to something". Indeed it is! DATWFH is actually the third movie in a series of 4 awful low-budget Argentinian sword & sandal films following on the success of Conan. I wish I had a point .........

Worst CNN Headline

I guess it's not a headline, but it's what the link says that takes you to the article. Why they don't use the headlines as the link, I don't know. Anyway:

Andrew Jackson: Great leader or angry hick?

The best thing is that it doesn't label it as commentary. Thanks CNN!

Suicide Tourism

Now [Switzerland's] suicide practices are under the spotlight after British TV last week showed Craig Ewert, a 59-year-old Chicago man with a severe form of motor neuron disease, killing himself in Switzerland two years ago.

Intergalactic Evanston Internet Shout Out!

So now that the election is over, wonkette is having some rough times finding things to post. So they are reduced to posting shit from the Skokie Review (5th one-liner) about an old lady in Evanston who kept dead bodies in her house for a couple decades. The good people at the Skokie Review probably had a good time this morning trying to figure out why there were so many hits to their website. And apparently none of the commenters, except one, like Evanston.

By the way, didn't Actor used to live pretty close to there?

No Gas in Atlanta

In case you haven't been watching the news, there's no gasoline in Atlanta. But really, at least they can still ride their bikes.

Double Standard

Remember that whole Reverend Wright fiasco with Obama? Looks like Palin has crazy church shit of her own:

"Palin now attends the Wasilla Bible Church. She was there on August 17, just days before entering the national spotlight. David Brickner, the founder of Jews for Jesus, was a speaker. He told congregants that terrorist attacks on Israel were God's "judgment" of Jews who haven't embraced Christianity. Brickner said, "Judgment is very real and we see it played out on the pages of the newspapers and on the television. When a Palestinian from East Jerusalem took a bulldozer and went plowing through a score of cars, killing numbers of people. Judgment -- you can't miss it.""

Yeah, that's what the dood said. Read it again, it's not going to change. Apparently Hamas terrorists are really agents of God. Or something like that. There's more:

"Pastor Ed Kalnin, the senior pastor of Palin's former Pentecostal church, has also come under fire for his comments. In 2004, he told church members if they voted for John Kerry for president, they wouldn't get into heaven. He told them, "I question your salvation.""

Not as bad as the whole "Jews are going to be killed by God" thing, but still pretty bad. Especially considering they ought to lose their tax-exempt status for that shit. But I know what you're thinking, "But like Obama, can't she just say she doesn't agree with her priest?" So let's see what she says herself:

"Her campaign says she doesn't mix her faith with government business. But Palin did ask her audience to pray for $30 billion natural gas pipeline she is on a mission to build in Alaska. In the video Palin says, "I think God's will has to be done in unifying people and companies to get that gas pipeline built. So pray for that ... I can do my job there in developing my natural resources. But all of that doesn't do any good if the people of Alaska's heart is not good with God.""

And:

Speaking of the troops in Iraq, Palin says on the video, ""Pray for our military men and women who are striving do to what is right. Also for this country, that our leaders, our national leaders, are sending them out on a task that is from God. That's what we have to make sure that we're praying for -- that there is a plan, and that plan is God's plan.""

So God wants a natural gas pipeline and a war in Iraq. So she's mixing politics and religion, we've seen 8 years of that already. But I don't know about this kind of religion, not to judge or anything, but we are talking about possibly being "Leader of the Free World" and having nukes and shit:

"Palin's former pastor, Tim McGraw, says that like many Pentecostal churches, some members speak in tongues, although he says he's never seen Palin do so. Church member Caroline Spangler told CNN, "When the spirit comes on you, you utter things that nobody else can understand ... only God can understand what is coming out of our mouths." Some Pentecostals from Assembly of God also believe in "faith healing" and the "end times" -- a violent upheaval that they believe will deliver Jesus Christ's second coming."

Ooh. So this "end times" is a violent upheaval. And then Jesus comes. Who doesn't want to meet Jesus? Not Sarah Palin, I bet. With all those nuclear weapons at her (possible) disposal, I bet she can bring the "end times" pretty quick, right?

Sausage Slap!

"The farmworkers told deputies the suspect woke them Saturday morning by rubbing spices on one of them and smacking the other with an 8-inch sausage."

I'm glad that made the CNN headlines. Go Bears!

Politics

Sorry I've been away for awhile, but classes have started again. So on to the postings:

McCain has chosen Alaska Governor Palin as his running mate. $5 says that if Obama had chosen Hillary as a running mate, Palin would still be watching icebergs and running Eskimo pie bake sales or whatever they do in Alaska. Though she is kind of cute, in a Tina Fey kind of way. Or at least cuter than Biden. Either way, if the McCain camp keeps running "Obama is not experienced enough" lines, having a first term governor of one of the smallest populated states in the union isn't really going to help. More on Palin later tonight. Stay tuned!

Oh yeah, Obama gtave a speech last night that was pretty good.