oh, jus some stuff

s'why my pappy don't let me go squid fishin' no mo ...

brpbrpbrp ... brpbrpbrp ... brp ... brpbrp ... whats that sound like ? ... think, old car ... model t beats hummer in 1000ft race ... no joke ... seriously, i hate those cars and the people that drive them ...

this scares me ... if anyone knows that that is, please let me know, id love to see the whole thing ...

ahem ... now, i like curves, specially of the female variety ... but somewhere in the area of 34-24-36 ... not 30-14-36 ... more on ms polaire

now listen up all y'all alkie stiffs, i don mind you cattin up on me campfire like ya do, but don't expects me to decorate the mahogany as well ... i's a gettin' mighty hooty .. hobo slang

old ladies with guns

how many people are proud of you?

sorry, more youtube ...

... directed by Martin Scorsese, starring Wesley Snipes, Flava Flav, Roberta Flack and Quincy Jones ...

the newest action-drama you may ask ?

nope ... it's the full-length intro to MJ's Bad

when i first watched this i was a little spooked out that i somehow missed this epic intro to one of MJ's biggest hits, until i read that it was in fact not released until 2001 on a DVD collection ...

and some more Bad trivia ...

The song was originally intended as a duet with longtime rival Prince. Quincy Jones, in an interview included in the Special Edition of "Bad", said that Prince told Jackson and him that he hadn't wanted to participate because "it would be a hit without (him)".
from this wiki page

when i first watched it, i didn't get the opening scene with the latino man asking MJ how many people were "proud of him" ... after watching the whole thing it made sense, and in my opinion says a whole lot with saying very little ...

thanks to bijan for the link!

oh, and ham, ham on it ... ham on whole wheat ... alright ...

goddamn i love weird als videos, and he is pretty spry for bein in that ginormous fat suit

Bluntest Points

Bogardus Slacks Alot would be my Native American name. I tried to find a good (or funny) Native American Name Generator to link here, but based on my recent research (read: last 4 minutes) Name Generators are the lamest thing on the internet. If you can find a Name Generator on the web that isn't totally stupid and boring, I'll give you 12 Blunt points, redeemable for cash prizes from The Pimpernel.

Listen, I've seen lots and lots of fake movie trailers online (and I am a bad blog contributor, so I probably didn't link most of them!), but this might be the best one ever made. If you didn't see the love between Zack and Slater before, subtract 3 Bluntest points. Because you need to see it now, in Brokeback by the Bell.

Are you offended? Lose 10 Bluntest points.

I remember when I was a kid that everybody pretty much hated their parents. Now, these kids have the chance to get a new daddy. Plus they get HDTV and XBOX 360. I hate these kids. Get 10 Bluntest points if you're over 18.

If you have over 20 points, Pimpernel owes you $3.15.

Congrats!

(P.S. Sorry its all YouTube, but thats where a lot of my time has been spent recently.)

this weekend!

aight, listen up all ya'll lil' reggae junkies, cause we got yer fix right here ...

THIS FRIDAY, AUGUST 10
@ :: MORSELAND (1218 w morse, chicago IL)
W :: grimy styles, dj papa g
T :: 9:30pm
$ :: 5

THIS SATURDAY, AUGUST 11
@ :: WILD HARE (3830 clark, chicago IL)
W :: heavy manners, dj chuck wren
T :: 9:30pm
$ :: ??

THIS IS PART OF OUR MONTH LONG RICK MORANIS TRIBUTE CONCERT SERIES!



SO GET TO THE SHOW, RICK IS COUNTING ON YOU!!

featuring ...

tom riley ... tenor sax, flute, dubs, horse hair hats, antique apiculture equipment, cutting the gordian knot

kincaid smith ... trumpet, loquacious fits, fugacious overtures, slummin'

brian citro ... guitar, activation of wonder-twin powers, lumpsucker fishin', woody allen fan-club president

bijan warner ... organ, keyboards, matt damon trvia, 19th century books on epidermal disorders, philomath revelry

chris merrill ... bass, overdeveloped risible muscles, lascivious hand gestures, impassioned pleas for "some-kind-of-sanity"

anthony abbinanti ... drums, suffering of a peculiar delirium of persecution, drinking very freely of whiskey, bbq triathlon regulatin'

fada dougou ... vocals, gimcrack hoarding, chthonic powers, paroxysm of words

zulu ... vocals, drinking in wassail, grandiloquent tendencies, legerdemain at chutes-and-ladder competitions

elliot ross* ... broken scapulas, hit 'n runs, not being able to play the guitar

***FREE BALLOON ANIMAL WORKSHOPS AFTER ALL PERFORMANCES (BYOBA)!

****DONKEY RIDES WILL BE PROVIDED ON THE NIGHT OF THE EVENT!!



IT IS OUR SADDEST OBLIGATION TO INFORM OUR AUDIENCE THAT ELLIOT ROSS HAS FALLEN VICTIM TO A HIT AND RUN WHILE RIDING HIS BIKE TO WORK ... HIS SCAPULA MAY BE BROKEN, BUT HIS SPIRIT PERSEVERES! SEND ELLIOT SOME TIDINGS OF GOOD CHEER IF YOU HAVE THE TIME, HE'S LAID UP AT HOME, ARM IN A SLING, CRYING HIS LIL EYES OUT ...

and if you don't believe me about elliot, check the hospital roster i found online ...

-------------------------------------------------------------

Elliot Ross, white, male, 23? years, native of Ireland, laborer, recommended his commitment to the S.- I.- A. at Jackson, La. on October 30th – 1883, finding him insane suffering from “Chronic Alcoholism”.

Like all Irishmen, he is witty. He is gay & pleasant in his speech, at times rational, and then again he will wander off, and address imaginary persons or objects. He is a laborer, single, and has been a hard drinker for years. To use his own expression “I have been drinking every since before I was born; it runs through my nature.”

Petition filed Nov. 7/83, signed Nov. 10. Monroe, J.

-------------------------------------------------------------

nah, but seriously, he's busted, come buy him a drink

lookin' ball show : volume 4

i'm back with a revived spirit that would shame richard simmons ...

cool picture ... which is this

choose wisely ...

wrap ... it ... up!

if only i ate meat

ok, seriously we can stop this anytime guys ... even that's too offensive for me ... probably definitely the work of some over privileged, overweight white american kid who regularly refers to his online "friends" as "n*gga" but doesn't have even a single black friend ... ya know, i was about to go on an impassioned type-rant about how plastics (or something) must be destroying our ability to empathize, but this kind of insensitivity is really nothing new in the grand-life-span of human kind ... good work guys! way to show the world (or the internet world, anyway) that we haven't changed our thinking in 8000 some odd years!

to steal borrow a line from rockandrollconfidential ... he cries when he comes

gah! ... but i really wanna see it with a wig on for some reason ... and its this if you wanna know

shorpy's ... they got alot of pictures

huh? ... did i completely miss this show ... or perhaps, i too have been played the fool like nowhere man! ... gast! curse you secret US shadow government and your ability to make me completely forget about failed tv series from the mid-90s!

brilliant!

greatest = fattest

that's right UK ... you might think your on top of your game with you ... "free" health care and relaxed drug laws ... but you're still american, deep down in those cholesterol saturated veins ...

"Even milk and carrots, foods not traditionally associated with McDonald's, were gauged more appealing when carrying the chain's logo."

USA! USA! USA!

it's not that i don't have a life ...

that i'm posting blog entries at 10pm on a saturday nite ... its that i have to be at work till midnite or so to be chaperone for a private party in the gallery ... seriously ... no, really ... comon guys ... fine ... im sittin at home in my boxers with a half eaten carton of oreos on my lap, a beer in one hand and 3 tapes of the x-files ready for viewing! nah ... i wish though ....

anyway

heres 2 links i thought worthy

chicagoans and anyone who has seen the movie "wayne's world" is familiar with "eight car pile-up" or "the spindle" ... prolly without even realizing it ... the statue stands proud and tall in Berwyn's Cermak Plaza Shopping Center, berwyn, IL ... (which, for the record is no where near Aurora, IL (wayne's hometown) oh, and also for the record, Aurora, Il is not a suburb of chicago) ... well, long story short, they're tearin the damn thing down ... which sucks (though some people rallied against it) ... on a personal note, that statue, and in fact that very mall carries a strong nostalgic weight with me ... you see, behind that very mall is where The Feast takes place every year, so i have been traveling to fair Berwyn since i was 1 years old, and just the sight of its dilapidated stores and awesome (though thoroughly run down) public art brings a really warm feeling to me ... what is the The Feast you ask ? its an awesome catholic (with heavy pagan [read: old world]) traditions! its the Maria Santissima Lauretana di Altavilla Milicia Feast!

so as the stories goes ... a long time ago near the town of Altavilla Milicia, Sicily, a painting washed up on the shore ... a painting of st. francis prayin to the virgin mary holdin a little baby jesus (i searched everywhere on the interwebs for this painting, but couldn't find nothin) thinking it was a sign of good luck, fishermen from altavilla who were near the shore grabbed it ... however, some people from near by village also claimed ownership over it (i mean, the painting had to have been dropped from heaven ... right?) ... so they decided to settle it the only way sicilians know how ... that's right ... they made a huge boat with wheels and had their oxen pull it in a game of tug-o-war (take THAT sicilian sterotype!) ... so, yeah, as should be obvious, our village won, and hazah! from that time forth we have this feast honoring the virgin mary (how the catholic church gets away with this kinda idolatry, ill never know) ... it's actually a really great time, full of food vendors, carnival games, the sicilian marching band of chicago (which i almost joined back in HS), rides, live entertainment, little girls dressed up like angels and strung out over a crowd 20 ft up who chant prayers in italian (2 of my cousins were those girls one year back in the 80s), giant floats with a copy of the painting on it carried by members of the society ... the works! ... of course its nothin like what it used to be (at least according to my pops) when it was held in chicago-proper in an entirely italian community (i think down near 16th street?) where scantly a word of english was heard, and ONLY italians attended ... of course, that was 50 years ago also when immigrant communities were still extremely tight knit ... anyway, that was a tangent ... it's really a shame that there's absolutely no web presence for this rich/storied organization ... hmmm ... maybe i should do somethin about that ... here's the best i could find ... its a video about italians coming to chicago, but all the footage of guys in red do-rags carrying something huge is from our feast ...

anyway

here's 1500 filipino inmates re-enacting MJs "thriller" in unison

lookin' ball show : volume 3

bivalves got ya all hot and bothered ?

i wish this was a joke

and if you don't know, now you know

i remember that

questionable in its taste, still damn funny (except that you know it was made by white kids with no black friends)

im not on-the-ball when it comes to the internets these days ... so here's this that everyone prolly already knew about ...

i really want to believe this isn't photoshopped

once again, begging the questions ... what the fuck japan?

spencer gifts ... selling you crap since 1950 ... but at least now they got it pretty much worked out to those electric-touch-globe things and fake poo

examples of why i hate pop/commercial music ... and why i hate the fans even more ... pathetic really ...

THE BLUNTEST IS DEAD!

LONG LIVE THE BLUNTEST!

ok, so maybe not dead, but on serious hospice care ... i remember a certain bogardus whining to get back on ONLY TO NEVER POST! haha! nah, im jus playin, but fo real, whats up, are you like, ever gonna post ? PSYCH! i dont want ya dumbass posts, but like, seriously, where they at, cause i miss em ... ENGH! no i don't i don't even know what a blog is! JOKES ON YOU!!!!!

your science for the day, and by science i mean ... bar graph ...

the two iraqi veterans then proceeded to beat down the president with their new appendages (note: i have no context for this story, so have no idea if in fact those are veterans, i am just to make with the funny)

i think this mighta been posted on our fair blog before

married to the sea

the greatest jpg ever!

wish i had thought of that ... ladies and gentleman, i give you The Emperor of these United State and Protector of Mexico ... H.I.M. Joshua A. Norton

NEWS NEWS NEWS!!!!!

I'd probably've sued him, too

This shit'll make you go nuts!

Something like this happened to me, but with a hooker and a tuna sandwich

People's Court

What's so hard about being this guy?

greetings, salutations, part 1.5

see?

see!?

SEE, WHAT DID I TELL YOU!?

thine story shall waitforth onto thee nexteth weeks time ...

cause i'm like, busy ...

but i shant leave you empty handed

pretty things to look at ... fellow blogger brand blogger marc fornes has a really cool site "theverymany" ...

king kong, godzilla, jaws ... pussies! when compared to FROG-G-G!

hey, there i am ... pointin' out the ol' floor tom ... yeeeup, the ol' floor tom ...

oh yeah, note the 420 montana highway sign (HI-WAY!? GET IT!?) and yes, those are all crown royal bags sewn together ... the entire stage was lined with them, easily about 800 bags ... pretty nice ...

greetings, salutations, part 1

hey there!

well, i know i've been on hiatus, but i'm back baby, back and better then ever ... well, actually, no i can't really back that up with any definitive evidence, but i did just spend 2 weeks on the west coast and have some really stupid stories to share ... though as anyone who reads this blog regularly can tell you, im real bad at actually keeping up with actual "journal-style" bloggings (exhibit A, exhibit B)... but hey, you paid for it, so here 'tis ... we got to meet some really cool people, played with some really great bands, and the hospitality showed us by folks along the way was extraordinary ... of course, for reasons of national security, i can only divulge all but the juciest stories ... if you really wanna hear the ridiculous stuff ... well, it's way easier then you might think! simply compose an essay (no more than 6 pages, no less then 4) explaining why YOU should be the recipient of this blessed knowledge, mail it to me along with a self-addressed stamped envelope, i will then submit it to the our panel of guest-judges (including, but not limited to an un-dead telly savalas) and we'll get back to you with a decision before the next "blue moon" appears

...

...

or you can jus get me drunk ...

the drastics 2007 west coast tour recap

• 06.30.07, friday :: our first gig was on july 1st in austin, TX ... since we're all good midwest/blue-collar boys everyone went to work today and we left at midnight for the 18 hours to austin ... pretty uneventful drive ... we rolled out with 6 of in the van as bijan skipped the first gig and flew straight to LA on tuesday which was our second gig (so, yeah, we had sunday and monday off) ... oh, we also got a trailer for this tour so rollin in the van was easy, especially with "only" 6 guys ... everyone gets a bench except the 2 people up driving/navigating ... peeimp!
  
• 07.01.07, saturday :: alright, so before we even played in beautiful austin, things got weird ... we arrived later then we had expected, probably cause we are incapable of stopping for less then 15 minutes at any rest stop (a trend that continued until the end of tour)... but it was all good as the club/scene was super chill ... we played at a spot called the flamingo cantina which seemed to be the reggae venue of the city ... so we're loading out in the alley behind the club when i catch noise of some kinda disturbance comin our direction ... i turn around to see a young-to-middle aged white-trash couple walking down the alley with a short surly mexican man walking behind them yelling and brandishing a belt that he has risen over his head in an attack stance ... now, the white-trash couple look kinda laced or something, i couldn't tell exactly what they hopped up on but it certainly wasn't their first time ... so this couple is walking kinda fast and away from the mexican (keep in mind, the white-trash-guy was a good foot taller and 50lbs heavier then the mexican , but he looked really scared) ... i was so confused that this is where it starts to get hazy, but i'm pretty sure the couple start walking away from each other, the girl walking faster so the mexican guy gets right up behind the white-trash-guy and straight just hits him in classic "upside the head fashion" with his belt ... to which white-trash-guy yells out in what (at least sounded like) sincere pain ... the whole time i couldnt figure out why he didn't just turn around and smack the shit out of the guy, but, like i said, he was messed up ... so now the white-trash-guy starts walking back out of the alley and the mexican decides to leave him alone and go after the girl who is smaller then him ... i think by this point i was yellin at the dude to go away, but no one was paying attention ... this guy was on a mission ... what that mission was i have no idea ... so as the girl gets right up to where i was i could tell she was seriously distressed and mighta been crying recently, and she whimpers something like "can you help me" as she walks by me, but the mexican is right there now too and he manages to get a swipe at her side with his belt (not hard, but still) at which point i kinda loose it and start screaming at the dude and acting like i'm a hardass... some of the other guys finally started payin attention (everyone was unloading gear still) and so we all kinda get in a line to prevent this guy from following this girl and he starts kinda yellin back at us ... it was in english but totally unintelligible, the only line i caught was him sayin "i'm jus tryin to be a good mexican" at which point yell back "fuck you man, no good person hits a woman you fucking asshole" ... thats when he finally got his bearings or something (he seemed fucked up also) looks at us and goes "oh, 5 of you huh?", takes his belt, puts it back on and walks away ... welcome to austin! the show ended up bein a lot of fun, played with contracoup and grimy styles and the house was well packed ... even sold a hoodie! in austin! (the guy was really drunk) ... oh, we also got to see a 70ish year old man in a diaper, full beard and bathrobe hang out in a kiddie pool on the corner of the street we played on ... hazah! ... oh right, so then we left right after the gig to get to tucson arizona to stay with brian's (guitar) uncle for the time we had before LA ... i think i took the first shift, goin from 2am or so till about 8 ... aw yeahs!
  
• 07.02.07, sunday :: I DRIVE ALL NITE ... JUST TO GET BACK HOME! ... or, more accurately, to get to uncle tim's place in tucson! i think it shoulda took about 14 hours, but it was closer to 16 ... but when we got there uncle tim had the spread out, fed us good (plus dessert!) and then gave half the guys muscle/bone/hand/whatever rub-downs as he's some kinda chiropractor ... i ended up jumpin on a 10pm greyhound and headin to LA early, leavin those guys to bask in the arizona heat ... and now begins an epic tale of which i almost managed to exorcise from my mind ... alllllllright ... so i had bought my ticket for the bus at 6pm that evening upon first arriving to tuscon to assure my seat, and arrived early (9:30) to avoid any extraneous circumstances that might hold me up ... so when i get there (the place is so cold i have to put on my hoodie) theres a line of luggage at one of the doors, "ha, suckers ..." i think to myself "i already have my ticket" ... so 10 o clock comes and goes, 10:15, finally the bus shows up and everyone sprints (i mean SPRINTS) to their luggage and the door ... i casually walk up and get in line, people go through the door right up to about my space in line when the door is closed and the ticketing guy disappears ... ok, so something ain't right ... i open the door and poke my head out into the dry-scorching heat and say, hey, i gotta ticket for the 10pm to LA ... ticketing guy jus says "bus is full up, no more seats" and walks away ... "whoa, wait! what am i suppose to do!?" i yell, "talk to the counter" he says ... ay ... so i walk back in, there's a mother/daughter duo that's clearly in the same predicament as me and the mother is PISSED ... so as i walk up to the counter, i swear to god i somehow entered some weird television-reality vortex as i was whisked to the fucking scene in the first episode of chappelle show ... "popcopy" ... so it went like this (insert your own lethargic/cynical/fake-jaded mexican-american female accent here)

  me: hey, so the guy told me i couldn't get on the bus even though i have a ticket
  bitch 1: oh, he musta ran outta seats
  me: ok, so what do i do now ?
  bitch 1: well, there's another bus comin soon, it was suppose to be here 30 minutes ago
  me: when will it get here
  bitch 1: it just left (some city i clearly don't know)
  me: well, when will it get here
  bitch 1: i don't know sir
  me: well, can you find out
  bitch 1: the manager has the radio
  me: ya know, i gotta say, i don't understand why you sell tickets to buses you can't get on
  bitch 1: sir, the ticket does not guarantee a seat

  
  ***freeze: ok, seriously, what kinda fucked up society do we live in where you can BUY A TICKET to something that doesn't guarantee entrance to the THING YOU JUST BOUGHT IT FOR!!?!?!
  
  ok, so at this point i give up on this bitch cause she clearly doesn't care and doesn't want to help me ... a visual description cause it helps ... short, wearin a gold necklace with her name in cursive on it, snappin gum and with a $80 nail do ... damn chica ...
  
  so i go sit down for a while waiting for someone, anyone else to go behind the counter cause maybe they will be more helpful (not that it would take that much) ... so after about 10 min some other older-ish lady walks up and the two of them start gossiping on something so i walk up and completely ignore bitch 1, and try, instead on bitch 2
  
  

  me: hey, can you tell me when the next bus to LA is gonna be here
  bitch 2: oh, we'd have to check the radio and it's outside
  me: ok, seriously, can you just go find out for me
  bitch 2: (sighs) yeah, sure

  
  at which point the 2 of them chit-chat for another 30 seconds while i stand there making sure they will actually do what i asked before disappearing into the back ... i stay up there hoping they will come back soon, which of course was a futile wish ... as i sat back down for a good 5-10 minutes before they showed back up ...
  
  

  bitch 1: sir, the bus will be here at 11pm
  me: fine, what time does that put me in LA (i was originally getting in at 11)
  bitch 1: 9am, you will not transfer in phoenix
  me: yeah, but i have 2 tickets, one to phoenix, and one to LA from phoenix, is that gonna be ok
  bitch 1: (sighs) yes, sir

  
  so now im stuck in a bus terminal in tucson, jus sittin n waitin n hopin that my bus will actually show up ... after about 20 min i get paranoid and even though the terminal is practically empty, i need to make sure im on the next bus out to LA, so i want to make sure i know what door to go to ... i walk back up (drudgingly) to the counter to ask which door ...
  

  
  me: hey, what ...
  bitch 1 & 2 (in unison): ELEVEN OCLOCK!
  me: wow, look, i'm not tryin to be a pest, i jus wanna know what door
  bitch 2 (looking somewhat sheepish): oh, door 1 sir

  
  yeah, and fuck to you too bitch ... jeesus ...

oh, but the fun was just starting ... to be continued tomorrow ...

here's some findins' ...

lolcat bible ... in teh beginning ...

this is a well designed ad but who wants to eat ice cream in the snow ... on skis ... in a russian winter ?

????

Isn't that the Stoner who took my last Krispy Kreme?

No, it's Bill and Hillary Clinton. And I admit it, I'd probably would've boned her if I was alive back when that picture was taken. (I would've just posted the picture, but I slept through most of my "Intro to the Web" course in undergrad and all I know how to do is post links.)

Stop! Blogger Time!

Bloggin' hits me, so hard, makes me say, "Oh My Lord"

Hmmmm . . . . you'd think this post was about MC Hammer. Perhaps at a later date.

Soon to be a BET show.

And apparently LBJ had a pretty sweet house. There's gotta be better news out there . . . it's not like he lived in a shanty. That'd be news. Kucinich used to be homeless. Like Jewel. Now I'm stalling, gotta go back to studying.

Absurd CNN factoid of the day: At the top of the screen/window/whatever (am I that old? am I going to start calling it Intendo?!?) there's a line of hyper text. "Hot Topics: Earthquakes - Roman Catholicisim - Iraq - Weather - Lindsay Lohan - More Topics". At least more people are concerned about whether it's going to rain than about Lindsay Lohan getting out of rehab.